The Words I Couldn't Say
by artychick7
Summary: ONESHOT- The feelings of an older sibling when a younger is hurt. Inspired by my little sister.


**A/N: This is a one-shot inspired by my little sister. We were in a restaurant and I accidentally ate a jalapeño. I cried and drank gallons of water, but my little sister did not listen to my warning or heed my example and tried one anyways. Well, long story short, she cried for a while and got sick. Frustrating, stubborn little girl…but I love ya anyways, C.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own TMNT**

Anger. Pain. Fear. All those words came to mind as I sat watching the still form beneath the bleached white sheets. Mesmerized by the soft rise and fall of his chest, the thoughts came easier. I had told him, and he hadn't listened. Frustration laced the anger that burned in my veins. A knot in my gut made me want to scream, but I couldn't. Not here, not now. Just like any other time a tragedy had plagued the family, I had to put on that emotionless mask and be strong for the others.

But why hadn't he just listened to me? I had known this would happen and I had tried my best to prevent him from going topside. But he still didn't heed my warnings. I had been there before so why hadn't he just listened? He had seen the agony and pain I had gone through. Wasn't that enough for him to listen to me? Why did he make the same mistake when he could have learned from mine? Wasn't that my job? To protect them at all costs? And he had blatantly shoved that protection back in my face, not wanting it because of his stupid pride and hotheadedness.

I couldn't understand why he had purposefully put himself in that situation. When I had gotten hurt it had been an unexpected occurrence. I hadn't known I was going to get ambushed and beaten. He had. He had seen the mass of shadows in that alley. He had known who they were. He had no reason to go down there. If anything, he had gone in that alley to prove a point. To prove that he was better than I was. To prove I wasn't the "almighty fearless leader" he seemed to think I thought I was. To prove he could make it out of an ambush alive.

_Well that didn't work out so well for ya, now did it Raph? Now you're hurt and all I can do is sit here and be mad at you._

_ No._

_ Be mad at me._

It all came back to how I failed yet again. I had pushed my pride and honor too far. I had made him mad at me. I hadn't been able to say the things I really needed to.

It was this stupid responsibility to be their leader and protector, this feeling that I had to protect them at all times. Any time that Mikey would come home with a scrape from falling off of his skateboard, or Don would burn himself wielding metal for his latest project, or even when Raph would bloody up his knuckles by punching the wall when he was mad made me feel sick. I couldn't stand to see them in pain. I constantly thought of how I would do anything to keep them from hurting. I had been in plenty of pain in my lifetime, and I loved them enough that I would take it all on so they wouldn't have to.

Master Splinter and I had had many conversations about how I had to learn to let them go and experience the world. He said that they would never learn unless they made their own mistakes. I always argued that they could learn from mine.

"That is not the same Leonardo." He would say softly. I was always too stubborn to believe him. What if one of their mistakes was fatal and I lost one of them? I would never really live again. I would carry a weight for the rest of my life that would eventually kill me. That's why I had to protect them, because I wouldn't be able to live if I lost one of them.

And then there was Raph. I never seemed to be good enough for him. No matter what I did, he always called me out on something or found something to argue with me about. I tried not to be bossy, but I had to lead this family. I honestly didn't know what he wanted. No matter how hard I tried to be what he needed me to be, it was never good enough for him. That's why we argued, because honestly, I was plain worn out from killing myself off to please him. That's we he had run out of the lair last night. He had wanted me to be less strict and bossy, so I had been and let him go, and look where that had gotten him. Now he was lying on a sterile cot fighting for his life, just like I had been.

But I did remember a few moments when we had been friends, not enemies. The most vivid was that night at April's apartment. Even though I hadn't been able to move or barely even breathe, I could still hear Raph calling to me. Hours passed before I found the strength to respond. Weeks passed and I was still injured emotionally and physically, but Raph had found me moping in the barn and had helped me get back to being myself.

A tear fromed at the corner of my eye and I quickly brushed it away.

"I need you Raph." I whispered. The walls I had built to hide my emotions crumbled. I was scared. I was scared I was going to lose my brother before I got the chance to be his brother. Before I got to say the things I felt, not just the rules. I needed him. He couldn't leave me. I fought to keep the tears in and struggled to form the words I needed to say.

"I love you." I dropped my face into my hands, giving up all hope of getting him back. I blinked back the stinging tears, rebuilding the walls and shoving my emotions inside. I had to be strong for Sensei and Mikey and Don if Raph didn't make it. I stood up and turned towards the door, but a soft rustling made me freeze and spin around. I rushed to Raph's side and fell to my knees beside the bed. His eyes were still closed, his mouth slightly open. I strained to hear him breathe. A sudden sharp intake of breath startled me, then the faintest of words left his lips.

"Love ya too, Leo."


End file.
